Note to Thyself : Carry an Umbrella
They say when you pray for rain, have enough faith to carry an umbrella... but what if your faith is wavering? Perhaps your umbrella may be broken or you are so tired to even carry yourself out yet alone an umbrella. Perhaps you are scared to show your umbrella to people who might ridicule your faith. All said and done you knew in your heart that if you could make yourself carry that umbrella with unwavering faith, it would rain. I am here right now at the path way to my future and all that follows this statement is conversation to thyself.
When it’s not my time
I remember the trip I always wanted to take. Money, was always the main concern. However when I stumbled on that advertisement from the travel company offering a package tour at 50% slash rate, I found a different excuse. I convinced myself that I don’t have enough holidays left. God listen to my prayers and she bought that advertisement to me. The time was right, perhaps I wasn't ready.
When I have given up trying.
I heard the story about a guy digging for diamonds and gave up at the last minute. Perhaps I couldn't carry on with hope, knowing that I may be disappointed with the outcome. Perhaps it's easier to resign instead of handling the pain of disappointment. Perhaps it's easier to blame it on 100 things than admitting to myself and others that I have failed not by trying enough.
When I don't have the conviction I deserve it.
Of course I say I want it with all my heart. But I am not sure I deserve it. I know the feeling of deserving something comes from rooted love for thyself. When I don't have enough love to give myself, I seek validation from outside world to see if things turn out to be the way I want them to. Then it would mean others, society or God loves me enough to bring that to me. Then I wonder , How would I convince the God to love me , if I can’t love me in the first place. God always loves me. I just need to be more open, trusting and allow myself to feel thy love, and through that I would feel God’s love.
When it's not gods will.
It would be so much easier if we just ask happiness instead of things that could make us happy. Sometimes when I don’t get what I want, I think perhaps God has planned something greater than this. Perhaps No is God’s answer for my own divine good. I know God always plans better for me than what I do. But God loves me enough to assume my will as her will. Ask and shall be given. Call out and the door shall be open. If I had asked with a conviction of having that which I asked for, without a hint of doubt it might have come to me already. I take a good look at my actions and my thoughts after my prayers. I don’t think they align and in sync with what I asked for. Perhaps it’s me who is having the dilemma, perhaps it’s me who have said No to thyself.
When it takes longer.
It always takes sometime from prayer to receiving it what I asked for. I now understand that this time is needed for me to really assess what I wanted and perhaps see if it really defines me as a person. Or vibes with my most sincere expression of who I am or how it would make me happy. Isn’t that an irony that everyone wants to have six abs or perfect figure but not many of us are willing to get up at 5 am and put on jogging shoes?
When I choose God’s will.
So if my will becomes the gods will, then how God is taking care of me? Does this means God shall put me to trouble since because I asked for it? Perhaps God will take me nearer to what I asked for and would wait patiently for me to choose.
Then it dawned on me, I am no good when it comes to choosing what’s good for me. Because what’s good for me in my eyes has too much logic, reservations and never ending criteria. And So I choose God’s will. I am in distress and I choose God’s will. Let her take over.
When I surrender God does what’s beyond logic and things seems to happen out of magic. I know this is entirely different from giving up or feeling time isn't right or blaming someone else or assuming god said no. This means I am ready to pick up the umbrella and walk out whether it’s going to rain or shine. For I have given the consequences of my actions to that of gods.